Inferiority Complex & Shyness
The above four topics are so different from each other. Why have you taken them together?
Yes, you are right. All these topics do seem to be different from each other, but only superficially. In reality at the d-e-e-e-e-p-e-r level they are all the outer manifestation of the same inner turmoil. The fruits are different but the roots are the same.
You only have to understand their basic cause. Immediately you will see how easy it is to come out of these daily problems at one stroke………
OK. Please explain in detail. I really want to understand this whole game of negative emotions.
When you were conceived in the mother’s womb you did nothing for 9 months other than simply lying there and growing up from a fertilized egg to a full-grown baby. Breathing, eating, digesting, shitting, pissing, etc. everything was done by your mother on your behalf. You simply enjoyed your paradise for 9 months- with no work, no tensions and no responsibilities.
- You were totally at peace – feeling oneness with your mother because you were a part of her. This was the new life beginning for you and you felt totally centered with the universe around you.
- This oneness was your True Spiritual Centre or Your Real Self because this centre was your life’s beginning and The Source of your new life’s energy.
All this happened totally unconsciously at the energy level or the spiritual level d-e-e-e-p within every cell of your growing body………
What happened then after delivery?
- Your beautiful paradise of total unconditional love, security and happiness was lost!
You lost contact with your Spiritual Centre. Coming out for the first time into a new world was a big birth trauma for the new born baby’s body, mind and soul. It was an absolutely new traumatic experience of harsh lights, loud noises coming from the medical staff in the labor room and rough handling by human hands. That sense of total peace, quiet bliss and utter security in the womb was permanently lost………
What happens to the baby because of losing the peace of the paradise? What about all the negative emotions mentioned above?
The foremost thing that the loss of the paradise leads to is a tremendous sense of loss and insecurity. Next is a deep fear of the unknown.
An undercurrent of inadequacy and inferiority runs in the developing child’s mind all the time.
A basic shyness from mixing openly with other human beings comes into picture in different degree in different children.
All this accumulates as a deep sense of frustration and anger against the whole injustice of it.
All these accumulated negative emotions boil over into conflicts with other human beings - who in the first place are equally in suffering because the loss of their own paradise! ………
It’s making sense now. Please go on.
So you see, your outer world is an exact replica of your inner world.
Because you have gone away from your True Center your mind is basically insecure, inadequate and inferior. No one else is actually doing anything wrong to you.
No friends are bad, no situation is threatening, no job insecurity is actually there. It’s you who is projecting your own inner insecurity into your studies, relationships, work, etc. and then feeling lousy about it.
Similarly, you project your inner confusion and fears into things, people and circumstances around you. Then you blame those outer things for your miserable life.
The own inner frustration of your loss gets added up as accumulated anger and spills over onto people around you. Then you feel that they don’t understand you and are hurting you deliberately.
As we said earlier ‘the outer world is a reflection of your inner world’. Once you are able again to be centered once again into your True Center all the inner chaos disappears. Automatically, the confusion in the outer world also disappears………
Meanwhile what happened to my Spiritual Centre thereafter?
Your very aliveness all your life means that The Source of your life’s energy ie. your Real Self or your Spiritual Centre is always within you at every moment of your life. It’s going to be within you till the last breath of your physical life.
So The Source or The Spiritual centre is never really lost but you lose the sense of oneness with it in the birth trauma of the new life.
At the unconscious level the new born baby understands that his paradise was lost forever. Also that his permanent point of reference of oneness with the mother was also lost.
- But to survive in the new harsh world the baby very much needs some point of reference to know its own existence.
- The baby desperately needs at least some degree of security, love and joy to face the new world’s harshness.
- Therefore, from birth onwards every baby is in a search – the search of the lost paradise and the search of a fixed point of reference for his own existence………
Does the baby find its new centers of reference?
You as a baby try to find substitute centers or new points of reference in the people and things around. They may not give the bliss of the original center but at least they are functional for the time being.
The mother’s soft loving touch and life giving milk become the first new centers.
The baby’s new existence starts revolving around the mother’s love. It starts identifying itself and its very existence through its mother.
Very soon father and other family members also become points of identity for the growing up baby. It starts identifying itself with them also and feels playful and joyful in their laps too.
That’s why with a stranger the baby feels threatened and starts yelling. But it becomes quiet and happy in the mother’s lap immediately………
Very interesting! What happens as we grow up?
- To do anything and everything in life you do need a centre or a fixed point of reference.
For example, you do need these words to remain stable to move your eyes over them for reading. You do need to have your chair and table fixed as a point of reference. You need the floor to be stationary at one place so that you can walk over it easily.
Similarly, you need to have a fixed name, a fixed family, a set of fixed people as neighbors or friends, fixed customs and religion to make your daily life smooth and joyful.
- All these become your identity or multiple identities to make life comfortable and worth living in the human civilization.
For example, your identity becomes a Female Maratha Hindu Indian belonging to Pune in Maharashtra state, with a MBA degree, working in Infosys as an IT professional, married to a high net worth bank manager, mother of a 5 years old son and living in a joint family in a posh society in Aundh.
Imagine the chaos and confusion in your life if your family members keep on changing everyday, your friends change every day, your toys change every day, your room’s layout changes every now and then and your rituals and religion change just like that!
- So to avoid all that uncertainty and to have a sense of permanency and fixed identity you develop many ‘substitute outer centers’ to go about the business of your living………
Do our outer centers keep on changing with growing age?
- Yes, very much. With growing age you keep on identifying with new substitute centers.
These changing outer centers come in the shape of your parents, siblings, relatives, friends, religion, caste, customs, etc.
The list then starts including national identity, marks, medals, business, money, cars, bungalows, social status, material possessions, sex, relationships, children, grand children etc., etc. …… the list goes on and on all your life.
At different stages of your life you get attached to different outer centers. Your life practically revolves around them because they become your points of reference for achieving happiness and joy.
- It’s very, very important to realize that the outer substitute centers of identity keep on changing but the search of the lost paradise and a permanent fixed center remains the same………
But such ever changing substitute centers by their very nature are temporary. How can they give us lasting security and happiness?
You are so true. At every stage with a new identification with a new center you are in for a shock. These outer centers seem to promise you permanent love, security and happiness.
And every time these centers turn out to be temporary, hence they are nothing but mirages. They give you nothing but false hope.
- They over-promise but under-deliver. It’s not done by anybody deliberately to hurt you. Rather it’s in the very nature of temporariness of these identities.
- With every successive let down your sense of insecurity, loneliness and frustrations grows. An unexplained anxiety, fear and anger keep on building up within you………
So does it mean that our mind can never be at peace in our life?
You’ve hit it right on the nail head!!!
- Your search for the lost paradise is not wrong. The direction of the search is wrong!
Your Real Self or True Identity lies inside you in your very Being, in your Soul. But your poor mind is mistakenly trying to find it outside in your outer world of people and possessions.
That’s the first mistake which then leads to a long series of blunders everywhere in your relationships and work.
- It’s not that people around you are bad. It’s not that money is bad. It’s not that circumstances are bad. The fact is that you are expecting wrong things from right situations.
- You are bound to be frustrated life-long because you are asking for something from others that they don’t have in the first place to give you! ………
What is the proof for all this?
Your own life itself is the biggest proof. Nothing else is needed.
Please see inside you honestly and see your set of personal and professional relationships for the last a few years. Don’t you find a strange restlessness, an underlying anxiety or some fears beneath your external personality?
Are you not shy of opening up your innermost feelings to most of the people for the fear of being ridiculed?
Don’t you find you ‘lack’ so many good qualities while others seem to be so superior in so many respects?
Don’t you find that your unfulfilled expectations – whether expressed or unexpressed - from each other are at the roots of all your conflicts?
- Neither of you is wrong in your expectations of a secure, happy life full of love. The only problem is that some other human beings who are as insecureas any one else cannot fulfill these unrealistic expectations.
The problem is not with these false points of reference. The basic reality is that all these points are outside of you. They are only convenient points of reference to spend your 70-80 years on this planet.
They can give you good times and temporary pleasures for some time. Then they give you equally bad time and painful experiences too………
So, what’s the final diagnosis?
The final diagnosis in reality is that happiness or peace of mind is already inside you in your own True Spiritual Centre. Its search outside in your outer false substitute centers is basically a totally futile journey.
- Your problems come only because of one real reason. And that is you are disconnected from your Inner True Spiritual Centre and are expecting impossible things like happiness and peace of mind from your false outer centers.
Relationships, money, sex etc. are not at all the problem. Your wrong attachment and unrealistic expectations from them is the only root of all your life's problems………
What is to be done then to have security, love and happiness? How to overcome my anger, frustrations and my inferiority complex and shyness?
As long as you are focusing on changing the outer circumstances and people’s behavior, nothing will ever change in your life. Same old game of fear, frustrations, misery and anxiety will continue to be played everyday in your life.
- Therefore, your first and the only priority is to change the direction of your search to inside your own self rather than to outside.
- Start on the path of meditation. As the time passes you’ll automatically start getting centered in your own True Self.
Your relationship conflicts – whether at home or in work place – start melting away slowly. Soon you’ll realize that circumstances, people and their nature have not changed. But you have changed – you have become more peaceful, secure and happy simply without any reason………
I understand totally now. And I wish to have a personalized guidance to ‘Know my True Self’. What should I do?
Then you are most welcome to contact Dr. Arora. Dr. Arora, a medical doctor, is an awakened soul and does not give any medicines or do any surgery.
Through his customized training on ‘7 Mind Secrets’ he has already helped many people like you in the last more than 3 decades to know their True Inner Self.
This has changed their chaotic outer world into an oasis of peace, security and happiness. The same dramatic change is very much possible in your life too – whatever may your problems be.